Death anniversary

Quiero pedir disculpas a mis seguidores porque la mayoría son hispanohablantes y no podrán leer esta entrada. Decidí escribir en inglés porque tocaré un tema que fue muy sensible para mí por casi un año de mi vida. El proceso de terminar con mi ex y dar vuelta a la página. Este proceso que comenzó en Lima el 11 de abril de 2012 y que llegó a su fin, espero yo, a inicios de este mes en Haití. El inglés me permite no liarme dando (me) muchas explicaciones ya que el inglés, a mi modo de ver, es un idioma más directo que el español. Además, me permite mantenerme frío porque no tengo tanto vocabulario.

Esta entrada es, para mí, todo un reto no solo porque será escrito en un idioma que no es mi lengua materna. También porque quiero demostrarme que mis heridas están cicatrizadas (o, al menos, pensar que he iniciado el proceso de cicatrización) y que podría empezar algo nuevo si es que se da la oportunidad. Ya no quiero pensar en el pasado porque no me permite avanzar, no me permite disfrutar de nuevas experiencias. Luego de este texto espero poder pasar la página definitivamente y dejar ir los recuerdos que estaban clavados en mi mente. De esa manera no dejaré pasar oportunidades y seré plenamente feliz ya que estaré irradiando mucha más energía de la que ya irradio.

It is time to end my cycle of sadness after one year of solitude and self-analysis. I was able to discover myself in this period of time in Lima and Haiti. I had a lot of time to think about what I want and what I do not like. In this time, I reflected on relationships, on myself as boyfriend and on how a beautiful relationship can end. My conclusion about these kinds of questions is that I do not have to think, and just have to let things happen at the right moment. I know that each relationship is special in a different way, but some are more special than others. In the same way, each break up is different, and some are more significant than others. Last year on April 11^th, I was really devastated. I lost my colours and turned as grey as Lima’s sky. I lost my happiness, my smile. I lost the future mother of my children, the woman for whom I could have left all my comforts, and risked starting from the bottom.

As I mentioned in another post, there is a song in my mind from a specific time of my life. After my relationship was over, the songs that accompanied me was, in Spanish, “Noches de bohemia y de illusión” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXeEyYx8b8I). And in English was “Somebody that I used to know” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY).  I know, they are so sad, but in that moment I was really depressed. Blaming destiny, bad timing and the distance that I had with my former girlfriend since she lived in Cali and I in Lima. I listened those songs daily … I do not know why I am so masochistic. Well, shit happens and I did not know how to face it.

This break up came with other troubles - I will explain them in another article - and I did not know how to manage that situation. This moment in my life was really dark, but I came back to life. At the beginning, when I was in Lima, I did a lot of things: meditate, research about communication (my thesis), went to the psychologist, read a lot of self-help books. Well, I tried to answer one question that was not clear in my mind…. Why did not things work between us? Then, it appeared, the opportunity to come to Haiti. I had a lot of doubts, but I decided to take some risks, and do something that I never thought of before: live in the poorest country in Latin America without money. I did not come to Haiti to escape of my ex-girlfriend’s shadow. She was important in my life, but not enough to do that kind of thing. However, I can recognize that one of the reasons I went to Haiti was to prove myself that I could do something that I swore to her: That I can throw away my lifestyle and start again with no money! As volunteer, I do not have a good salary (only a mere stipend) but I can travel a lot, I do not suffer from a lack of food. I suffered at the beginning, because it was difficult for me do all my stuff by myself such as wash my own clothes by hand, my baby soft hands went to hell! hehehe.

After seven months in Haiti, I believe I changed a lot. In Haiti I proved to myself that I can do a lot of things that I had never done in my life. I recognize that I have some personal issues like dependency on people that I love, but who cannot have issues in their life? But, I think that it is important to recognize your problems. It is the first step to solve them. I am really grateful for my experience in Haiti. This country gave me the space to know myself, and a lot of knowledge that I did not have. I will work hard to do my best for Haiti and more important, I promise I will enjoy Haiti without living in the past.

It was a difficult process to accept that such an awesome relationship had finished, but finally I think that my wounds are healed.

Now I can go anywhere in the planet... Even the places that used to be our places.

PS. I know that we did not have a happy ending, but hey that’s the story we had! It is a good one! I hope you remember me as I do with respect and love. I wish you can get everything that you want in your life. Goodbye!